illegal unlockables
by kinky boot fiend
Summary: the black market district of traverse town... where the final fantasy characters rejected from kingdom hearts live now their cannon has been mutilated - rated for the REAL CID HIGHWIND'S mouth


If I owned it, I'd buy a moped.

I wish I had a moped.

(Just pretend you can go to Traverse Town in Kingdom Hearts 2, 'kay?)

Hilarious Fanart by Aki Masamune: aki-masamune(dot)deviantart(dot)com/art/Vincent-the-Watch-Salesman-96880782

(whatever happened to the 'insert hyperlink' button?)

ILLEGAL UNLOCKABLES

--

"H-hey! Houhouhugh, hyuck! What's _this _Sora?" called Goofy as the trio paraded around Traverse Town, getting free stuff from vendors because Sora was the 'keyblade master'.

Before anyone could say 'dim-sum', Sora had whipped out his keyblade and opened the strange hidden door. It swung open, and a large warning box popped up in front of them.

**WARNING: SQUARE ENIX, DISNEY OR ANY OTHER PARTICIPATING PARTY DIDN'T DO THIS. WE SWEAR ON YOUR CHOSEN DIETY. IF YOU SAY WE DID, WE'LL KIDNAP YOU.**

"COOL," said Sora, taking two steps over the illegal-threshold. Another message popped up on screen:

**ILLEGAL GAME UNLOCKABLE: THE BLACKMARKET DISTRICT**

"COOL," repeated the boy, and they took two steps in.

"Hey…" said a dark voice, and Donald yelped and swung around. Leaning against the wall beside the entrance was a long haired man with a sweeping red tattered cape. "You new comers?"

"HEY, VINNY! THAT'S THE GODDAM CHARACTER WHO GODDAM TALKED TO THAT ME-FUCKIN'-WANNABE!" exclaimed a loud voice, and the three wheeled around again. Cid stood there, a… something hanging from his mouth.

Sora almost gasped. "Hey, Cid, you look ten years younger!"

"That's 'cause that damn guy who thinks he's me is _forty-fuckin'-five _and I'm _thirty-fucking-four!_" Cid replied sharply, while Goofy covered his ears.

"What is _that?_" asked Sora, leaning forward. Foul smelling vapours entered his nose.

"This here, Spiky Jr., is a joint," explained the not-KH-but-actually-Cid, sucking in on the 'joint' again.

"Hey, kid... want to buy a watch?" Vincent asked, sweeping his cape up to show a variety of watches attached to the inside of it.

"NOOO HE DOESN'T!" Donald yelped, tugging on Sora's sleeve.

"BUT DONALD…" Sora whined, pulling away from the duck and brandishing his keyblade for no apparent reason.

"Take a lickin' and keeps on tickin'," Vincent commented with an edgy voice.

Sora gaped at the watches, ignoring Donald and putting away his keyblade. "THESE ARE TIMEX?" he shrieked, trying to pull one off of the man's cloak. Vincent swept his cape back in towards him, protective of his watches.

"Don't touch."

"YEAH, kiddo, not unless you wanna' end up with your INSIDES all FUCKED UP!" screeched the pilot, taking the cigarette out of mouth, tossing it on the ground and stepping on it.

Goofy looked disapprovingly at the vulgar version of what the trio knew to be Cid, "HYUCK! Isn't that bad for the envornament, Mr. Highwind?"

"ENVIORNMENT!" the magical duck corrected angrily. Nobody really did ever listen to him.

"Do I look like I give a shit?" Cid seethed.

A scruffy looking man with no shirt on wandered up next to Cid. "Hey brat! You got any crack for me?"

"WHAT?" Sora screamed, backing up into Vincent, "WHAT'S CRACK?"

"Shhh, they could hear you!" Jecht replied, waving his hands in front of Sora's face. "Do you _have _any _crack?"_

The keyblade master swatted at Jecht's hands, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS!"

"Takes a lickin'-" the watch salesman began to repeat, opening his cape again.

"AND KEEPS FUCKIN' TICKIN', WE GET IT VINNY!" Cid roared, lighting another cigarette.

Sora tried to run from the rejected characters, only accidentally head butt something tall, blue and furry.

"AHHH IT'S SOMETHING TALL, BLUE AND FURRY!"

"Kimahri not like newbies," the tall, blue and furry thing replied.

Sora fell down on his back, screaming, "AHHH THE TALL, BLUE AND FURRY THING TALKS!"

"Kimahri think newbie smokes too much of Jecht's crack."

"HAYNER! PENCE! OLETTE!" the keyblade master bellowed. Everybody in the black market district of Traverse Town stopped to look at Sora. "Wait, that's not me…"

"Kimahri think-"

"STOP SPEAKING IN THE THIRD PERSON!" The rusty and unused gear in Sora's brain began to spin. "WHERE ARE DONALD AND GOOFY?!"

Goofy, the dog-like creature that nobody really could describe called to his friend, "HYUCK! Over here, Sora!"

"DONALD! GOOFY! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!" The boy who stole Cloud's hairstyle tried to jump on his Disney friends, but fell to the ground, missing them by _that much_.

"SOWA, THIS IS RENO, RUDE AND RUFUS!" Donald gestured to the three men in front of him.

"Hey, you look like AXEL!"

Reno's left eye twitched.

"He doesn't like to talk about that," Rufus whispered, leaning down to Sora, "it's a touchy subject."

"YOU WOULD BE TOUCHY IF SOMEONE STOLE YOUR IDENTITY TOO!" howled Reno, curling up into a ball on the ground. "HE DIDN'T STEAL _YOUR _SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER!"

Rude held out a box to the red-headed Turk, "Reno, have a Twinkie."

"I'M JUST GOING TO GO OVER HERE NOW!" Sora yelled, backing off into the corner, far away from the rejected characters. "HOW DO WE GET OUT OF HERE?" he screeched, trying to whisper.

"Hey there," a voice muttered, the trio looked down to see a short little almost-chibi-like humanoid with a tail.

Sora blinked. "Are you a boy or a girl?"

"I'm a man," the creature replied, licking his eye-ball.

"That's what YOU think!" the key-bearer replied.

Jecht appeared again. "Found any crack, kid?"

"Aren't you supposed to be in rehab?" 'it' asked, hands on it's hips.

"They try to make me go to rehab, but I said _no, no, no_…" the drug-addict bliztball player sung off-key. He looked at the almost-chibi-but-not. "Go to hell, Zidane."

The so-called Zidane sniffed and moseyed into the dark, shadowed area.

"STOP MOSEYING, YOU FUCKIN' PANSY!" the real Cid Highwind roared from a few yards away.

"So, kid. Got any crack?"

"STOP ASKING ME THAT!" Sora screamed, running for the exit. He crashed into another rejected character.

"Well, howdy there, ah'm Irvine!"

Sora continued to scream, bolting past the cowboy. He crashed into a woman with a dress of belts that _really shouldn't _stay up, but did anyway. She looked down at them with disdain.

"WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?" Sora shrieked, running past her. Donald and Goofy trailed behind him.

"JUST KEEP RUNNING!" Donald squawked, and soon all three had rocketing through the door. Sora wheeled around and sealed the door shut.

--

"AND THEN THE SHIRTLESS GUY CAME BACK AND HE ASKED ME FOR MORE CRACK AND THEN THE REAL CID YELLED AT THE LION GUY AND THEN WE TRIED TO LEAVE BUT A COWBOY AND A GOTH CHICK INTERCEPTED US AT THE PASS AND THEN WE MANAGED TO LEAVE AND I SEALED THE KEYHOLE!" Sora wailed, sitting on a chair at Merlin's house. Aerith held an icepack to his head.

The Kingdom Hearts version of Cid scratched his chin and fiddled with his toothpick. "Whaddaya' mean, the real Cid Highwind?"

"Hyuck! He was real mean and had a real bad-smellin' stick in his mouth!" Goofy commented.

"The cowboy sounds very familiar…" Leon said, closing his eyes in thought.

Sora gasped, "YOU KNOW HIM, LEON?"

"Hey, Cid, are you sure that you're the real Cid?" Yuffie asked, tilting her head to the side.

Cid's eyes darted around shiftily. He whipped out a walkie-talkie, "Repli-Cid to motherboard, my position has been compromised. Initiating death." The fake Cid Highwind keeled over and began to melt.

"AERITH, YOU'RE A WHITE MAGE, DO SOMETHING!" the key-bearer cried.

"It's pronounced _Aeris_, if we're talking about the original _English _version, but if we're talking original _Japanese _version, then I guess you're right."

Nobody listened.

Yuffie sat back in her chair. "Y'know, some of those guys you were talking about sounded really familiar."

"DOES ANYBODY CARE THAT CID IS MELTING?" Sora bawled, clawing at the lemon-flavoured jello the fake-Cid had melted into.

Leon/Squall, Aerith/Aeris, Tifa, Cloud and Yuffie all looked at each other. "Nah," they chimed.

"Yuffie, I know what you mean about those people sounding familiar," Tifa said, louder than usual so her comment could be heard of Sora's wails.

Cloud crossed, uncrossed and then crossed his arms. "Didn't the other Cid call you Spikey Jr.? Somebody called me Spikey once…"

Sora was flabbergasted. "LEON-"

"Squall."

**FIN.**

(sorry if you don't like the ending, but I love it.)


End file.
